Updated: Feb 15
If you've clicked on this, we might have something in common. Are you also a fat person trying to have the best sex of your life but seemingly falling short?
I am a fat queer person who has sex with other fat queer people and one of the most common questions I get from my close friends or somewhat nosy strangers is "but like... how does THAT work?". I think I've finally realized that people just can't imagine what it must be like for two (or more) fat bodies to rub up against each other, like if our collective weight exceeds 500 lbs. we spontaneously combust!
I'm here to tell you that not only can we have sex with fat people in general, we can have unbelievably hot and fulfilling sex, you just have to know how to do it!
I'm writing this to share some tips and tricks that I and many other fat people have learned over the years to make sex fat friendly!
Switch It Up: Fat Friendly Positions
Everything coming up isn't just for PIV (penis in vagina) sex and will cover all sorts of types of sex!
Missionary & Sideways Missionary
Missionary can be an amazing position for penetrative sex, no matter the genitals of your partner. It gives the penetrator amazing access to the bottom’s vagina or anus and can be easily modified depending on what surface you're having sex on. My personal favorite way to do this is to have the top standing off the side of the bed, while the bottom scoots up to the edge of the bed. I personally prefer this because sometimes plus-size folks can have issues with not being able to get low or high enough, whether that be because the top's thighs are big and they can't hunker down too far, or because the bottom’s butt and hips are big enough that they are higher off the bed than the top.
Another way to modify this is to have the bottom lay on their side, with one leg on the bed (or hanging off) and the other in the air. This is especially nice if your butt is a little on the bigger side as the bottom and your top is having a hard time comfortably reaching your vagina or anus.
How can you go wrong with a classic? This position involves the bottom resting on their hands and knees or chest and knees while the top penetrates from behind. This is a great position to get a partner’s butt further up if the top is struggling to penetrate from too low.
While different in form, the function of this position is pretty similar to missionary and can be adjusted and altered with pillows and props or moved to the side of the bed to be a perfect fit!
Sit and Kneel
This is actually a position for great oral sex! it involves one person sitting on the edge of a bed or on a chair while the other kneels in front of them and gives them oral from there. This is a personal favorite of mine because if you're receiving in this position, you get to sit there and enjoy the service, and if you're giving, you have a lot of different things you can do!
You can stay on your hands and knees, switch to just knees so your hands can also put in some work, or (my personal favorite) wrap your arms around the top's torso and pull them toward you, letting you have so much control and power in a position that is usually seen as submissive and weak.
If you want to really get crazy on a bed, you can (with consent) lift the receiver's legs up and push their torso down onto the bed so they're laying down with their legs in the air. From here, you can continue to stimulate their genitals or even (again with consent) give them analingus.
Note: For all of these positions, there isn't a one-size-fits-all or a magic position that's going to make you orgasm so hard you see stars. There's going to be lots of trial and error and adjusting that'll have to happen. Your hole is too low for the top to penetrate without doing a funny little split? Grab some pillows. Doggy style hurts your knees? Grab some pillows to put under your knees or switch to missionary to give them a needed break. There are tons of options available to make it work for you!
Add Something a Little Extra: Toys
Even though the positions above can be a great way to have sex with the parts that you have already, using sex toys can be a great way to bridge metaphorical gaps that simply changing positions can't always fix.
If you're a fat person like me, you've probably run into the issue of a butt being too big or thighs too thick to make penetration easy. This can not only be a frustrating road block for the bottom, but it can also be a point of insecurity for a penis having top who may feel like their anatomy is inadequate to make you feel good. Well I'm here to tell you that it’s 2023: please use sex toys. There's nothing embarrassing about using a vibrating toy to make your partner have the best orgasm of their life, but there is something a little embarrassing about being too stubborn in the mentality of only using penis in vagina sex (or penis in anus) that you let it get in the way of having a good time!
My personal recommendations are to use toys with longer handles or with longer insertable length to make reaching past your belly, butt, or thighs that much easier.
Again, remember: sex toys aren't something just for masturbation or to hide, use them during sex! I promise you that you won't regret it.
Mental Hang Ups: Just Let Go
For myself, I have always struggled with the mental aspect of sex. Sure I know what to do, what positions work, what I personally like, but at the end of the day if I am just staying in my own head about things, I will never be able to enjoy the moment.
Have you ever been in this situation?: You're on your hands and knees during sex and all you can think about are your back rolls? Or maybe you're on your back and you're thinking about how folded up your belly is, or how your fat is jostling around in the heat of the moment? Maybe even worried that the cellulite on your thighs is show *just a little too much* and that your partner is only thinking about that too? Well, I certainly have.
When we stay in our heads like this during sex it really removes us from what's even going on and you can lose focus on your partner and just having fun. Even though I know it's much easier said than done, as fat people raised in a skinny-focused society, we need to get it out of our heads that we are being monitored and observed to the finest detail. To help with this, I have two little tidbits that may help change your perspective:
Your partner is almost certainly also freaking out about their own body and is probably not paying attention to the direction your boobs are flailing or the rolls of your back or the lumps on your butt (we're really all in the same boat).
Your fatness isn't a secret. We don't look itty bitty size 000 skinny and then become fat when the clothes come off. No. If someone is having sex with you, they know you're fat and want to touch and lick and grab every square inch of you, because they chose to. Nobody is forcing them into this, they want to be there just as much as you do
REMEMBER: You are fat and hot and can have just as good, if not better, sex than anyone else you see in media, porn, or even on the street. GO HAVE HOT AND FULFILLING SEX!
Kamryn Gillham (They/ Them)
Social Work Student and Sexuality Advocate
Kamryn is a social work student at the University of Georgia that has a special interest in sexuality and working with erotically marginalized communities. They teach sexuality and relationship workshops and groups at Revolution Therapy, where they are an intern.