Techniques for men on how to enjoy the sex journey, not just the climax!
Updated: Oct 21, 2021
“Hi, I am a 30-year-old heterosexual male. I want to enjoy my body more. There are some things I already like - I really like ejaculating and receiving new cool massage strokes. However, these are very brief moments and they take a lot of work to get to. I want to learn some way to get more sustainable pleasure. In general, I find it hard to focus on my body sensations. When I try to do it, many annoying and odd things arise and very few sensations are pleasant.”
Hey buddy! Thanks for sending in this question. I hear a lot from men that their only goal in sex is orgasm and ejaculation. I myself have had this result-oriented view towards pleasure for many years. We receive a lot of society conditioning to focus on results and “winning the game”. We ignore the journey to avoid the many non-goal-related sensations on the path. Some of these sensations are painful, some pleasurable (these are the ones you want to feel more), and some are just odd and unique (these create your personality).
About the difficulty of finding sensations in the body. Feeling less of them is another example of a "tough guy" conditioning. It helps us in some situations and hinders us in others. For example, training oneself to not react to being tickled as a child helps us to win the tickle fight. However, it might leave us feeling numb in the arms and chest, losing out on the joy of being playfully tickled as an adult in bed.
How can you expand your pleasure range from the peak to something more plateau?
Glad to see that you already connect the capacity for pleasure and body sensation when asking your question. The first step towards more pleasure is increasing body awareness. Having a good sense of taste is the first step to enjoying a meal.
1. Here is an exercise to feel more sensations in your body:
Take a breath and notice one, just one, sensation in your body. It is nice to start with a vocabulary of “felt sense” words so that you don’t go into emotions or thoughts. Here is a short list: warm/cold, heavy/light, tense/relaxed, buzzing, expanding. I love this exercise so much - I have put it on the back of my business cards. :)
2. Here is an exercise to become more aware of your body parts:
If you can do it with general sensations then the next step is to become aware of genitals. Without searching for arousal, focus on felt sensations in your genitals. Try looking at them in the mirror and just seeing them as they are. Holding them with your hand and just becoming aware of them as they are. It is ok if arousal happens but the goal is just awareness for a minimum of 20 minutes.
For me it was a profound exercise – it was the first time I saw my genitals as an organ in its own right. I was used to seeing them as a tool for orgasm or peeing but apparently, they have their own merit. :)
Once you can feel, how can you move towards pleasure?
3. Here is an exercise on spreading positive sensations from one part of the body to the whole:
Take a deep breath and notice the felt sensations in your body as above. Find one place that feels comfortable. If nothing comfortable then just find something neutral. For example, as I sit and type this I like the warmth and softness of the woolen socks on the souls of my feet. Take a breath to feel into this sensation. With your next breath, try to expand this feeling to another body part. Now it has moved to my ankles. Keep doing this for 10 minutes until you can expand it to your entire body. It sounds simple but it is actually quite a hard thing to do.
This way you learn to find pleasure in simple things, like warm socks, not just on a volcanic explosion. As people say: “if you can’t enjoy a cup of tea, then you can’t enjoy sex”. This exercise is one way to get there. Notice any resistance that comes up, they have very important information about how you work and most likely show up during sex.
Hope these 3 exercises sound useful. They are elements of a wider field of Orgasmic Yoga and Sexological Bodywork. If you want to know more then come to my weekly donation-based Orgasmic Yoga class or get in touch for a 1-1 session.
Author: Lev Davidovich - Sexological Bodyworker in Training
Lev is teaching an Online Orgasmic Yoga every Friday morning at 8:30 AM EST. The group session is a solo experience of embodied self-love supported by breath, voice, movement, and self-touch. Lev also offers remote donation-based individual and group sessions in yoga and sexological bodywork.
.For individual sessions please contact Lev Davidovich at: firstname.lastname@example.org.